So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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