Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize