My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize