my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
she told me i tasted like america
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
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