Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I smell stomach acid.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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