i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
