guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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