I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
i would one night stand the shit outta him
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
