Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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