someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
