one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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