I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
