it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
