I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
