I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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