Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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