I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
