Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
