Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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