Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize