at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.â€
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
