ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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