I heard we made out
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
