I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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