4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
