you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
