I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
