Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
God I need to hump something, right now.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
