Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
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