I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
