i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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