Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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