Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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