I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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