I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
