Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
