call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
