I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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