last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
worst night to have a conscience
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
