dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
