i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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