I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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