On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
