Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
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