You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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