her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
