apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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