so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
