If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
