My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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