i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
