At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
