Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
People in love make me want to vomit
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
