The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
me + whiskey = a bad person
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
